The thought has crossed my mind a lot over these last several years that maybe, in life, we really do just get the one big love. Not necessarily "the one" that everybody likes to talk about, but the one, minus the quotation marks. Which is not to say that we don't move on and fall in love again, but maybe for some of us, there's one person from our past that we love just a little bit more than we can love anybody else.
So if that's true, at what point do we stop trying to find someone who compares? Someone who comes even a little close to evoking the same kind of emotion and affection?
He wasn't perfect, god only knows, but I think maybe he was it for me, and I think I'm done. I spent the last year and a half "getting over it" - the last 2 1/2 years, really - and while I suppose I'm far enough beyond the worst of it to not ache every second of every day, I don't see much point in trying to find anyone else to fill the void he left behind. I've filled my days with activities, people, noise... I went back to school to regain control of my life and send it in a positive direction, and it's worked, and I've just graduated, and I'm happy. But I just don't see love happening again, and at this point, I mostly don't care. 2 1/2 years has been beyond a reasonable amount of time for me to completely get back on my feet, and I don't see much point in looking for someone to sweep me off them anymore.
I had my chance, and I didn't take it, and maybe that one shot was all I was supposed to ever get. I could have gotten married to a man who I clearly would have loved through anything, and had a baby, and moved to an island in the tropics, and I didn't, and I have to be ok with that.
And I'm reading this back, and seeing myself say that I don't care, and that I have to be ok with things, and it's true, every day, I AM ok with things, but if I'm being completely honest, once in a while, when I sit down and truly think about them, my heart still breaks just a little bit. Or a lotta bit.
It's been 2 1/2 years. I don't want anyone else. I don't want anyone, period. But I would like to know when just the thought of the one I had will stop making me sad over the things I didn't get.
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